Good News?
Nothing pisses the fuck out of me quite like the 'good news' question that everyBloodybody is inclined to ask you when you are a married woman.
"So, any good news on your side?"
Fuck that shit, man. I totally lost it today.
A very old friend who I used to go to school with and who got married quite after me and now has a one-year-and-some-months-old son asked the same question on MSN today: So, any good news?
"Yeah", I MSNed back. "Very good news."
"Really?" came back her enthusiastic reply. "How many months?!"
As I said, FUCK THAT SHIT.
"Honey," I told her. "I have no plans for kids anytime soon, and THAT is the good news from my side. No news=good news. No bun in the oven for me and that is the best news I could have for the forseeable future."
She was silent for a while.
"Really?" she said a bit later. "You don't want babies. But why? They're so cute."
And this coming from a woman who told me not five minutes ago that she was so relieved when she got to go back to Pak. for 5 months without her husband due to an ill MIL because the baby was finally off her hands and she no longer had to cook and clean while taking care of this little thing that demanded all her time, energy and attention.
Really.
They are so cute.
And it's such a relief when you have other people to take care of them.
Why have them then?!!!
Why? Why?!!!
So that you can live your life in bits where you have other people to take care of them? So that you need to make the decision of being away from your partner for months on end to regain your sanity?
Bloody hell.
I am quite sure that in some twisted way I am tempting fate by writing all this ... which could mean I either get a baby very very soon (unplanned, of course, if it so turns out) .. or that I don't get one when I really want one sometime in the future, just because I am so dead against having one just now.
I really don't understand what all this societal pressure is all about. Babies are NOT the reason people get married. Or are they?
Am I the one who has the wrong idea ... thinking that two people get married because they love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together? Is there some unwritten rule no one told me about: must get married and MUST have babies as soon as possible after?
Whatever works for you, is what I say. Then why does whatever work for me have to be such a big problem?
Geez man.
And even the nerve of people asking you howcome you've been married three years and have no kids?! MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!
Okay, so I don't have kids out of choice. But how do you know that when you ask me that extremely private question? What if I have some medical problem and have been trying desparately to have a baby and can't? How rude and insensitive is your question then?
How many times do you meet a married woman and ask her how many times a week she has sex? To me, asking me why I don't have kids is breaching the same level of privacy: if you don't already know, you're probably not important enough to tell.
posted by bakpakchik @ 12:50 PM
14 Comments:
bakpakchik,
thanks for your email. it'll help. don't fret too much about people who ask insipid questions. to tell you the truth, they probably don't even know the programming social structures have put them through. sometimes i find myself asking 'routine' questions and thinking immediately afterwards, 'was i stupid enough to just ask that like it was a good question for a friend to ask?' questions about marriage, kids and relatives just pop out, as if plato's works, aspects of love, world affairs and sufi philosophies can't be discussed before getting details about the socioeconomics of the household of someone with whom you've been out of touch.
S.
ohh..ive got this stupid habit as well..i realized it lately..of pestering my friends and cousins..that when am i gonna become a khala n all that..but i just ask em for fun and not seriously..but still i wonder whether thats wrong as well..i guess it is then..
i think its just a habit most of us (this is an exclusive female thing) possess. i dont think there's a right or wrong in it... well unless someone's really really persistant about it...
...you took the words RIGHT out of my mouth...
-ash
Having children is the natural progression of a relationship.
If you are naive enough to think that relationship last solely on "Love" then you are in for a very rude awakening.
Your perception about children is also completely skewed. They may be a lot of responsibility but they add a beautiful dimension to any relationship and being parents increases the love and bond between a couple rather then deteriorating it.
-A-
@anonymous -A-
You says children are a natrual progression of a relationship? Who decides what's natural? Who decides when this natural progression should take place?
Surely, the two people in that realtionship.
So why can't we let it reamin between them without getting too meddlesome?
You ask if I am "naive enough to think that relationship last solely on "Love", and I counteract you with asking if children are any guarantee to a relationship lasting.
Should that be the case - that children become the saviours of a relationship - my question is: what are these children then, if not millstones tying you to something you might not otherwise want to be tied to?
What kind of a relationship is it then that one stays in not for the partner? Not one between the partners for sure ... but one with the children ....
... and as in all relationships, that is a relationship an individual might choose to have or not have.
You also says that my "perception about children is also completely skewed". By the very definition of the word, 'perception' is subjective and what is my perception might not be yours ... and that does not necessarily make either of us right or wrong ... merely of varying viewpoints.
I agree with you that children "add a beautiful dimension to any relationship" but that beauty can be had in a number of other ways.
I find that long,leisurely holidays add a beautiful dimension to my relationship with my spouse, as does our shared interest in fast cars. That need not apply to everyone.
Finally, you say that "being parents increases the love and bond between a couple rather then deteriorating it" ...
... I feel that is very a subjective POV. I can think of plenty of other (and to me and my partner, more preferable)ways of increasing the love and bond between us.
End Note: Children are optional, not compulsory.
@A: "Having children is the natural progression of a relationship" ...
Aaaargh! Does that mean that
1. no relationships outside of a male-female one are ok?
2. if, for any one of a number of reasons, a couple does not have a baby their relationship has progressed unnaturally?
Wake up!
BPC, i have not agreed with you more, EVER. Specially that last part where you said, that what if if there's a medical reason, some sort of inability to conceive, and how insensitive such questions then are. People really need to start minding their own business... to each their own, what works for you does not have to become a universal rule for all. and i DO hope, for your sake, you didn't tempt fate with this post :)
-M-
why do we always have the need to be agressive in discussions... anyway
i think i am being a little pompous here but i am not wrong in saying tht i understand wht A is trying to say.... and it doesnt necessarily mean tht all other relationships are not ok or whtever...
we all know babies are the celebration of love... i am neither an idealist nor am i naive... but i think its a coming together of/result of everythig you feel for the other person.... (here i am talking people living in a cosmopolitan society)... its very spiritual...
people not having kids for any reason ...medical or otherwise... yes ... they have a bond too... no one is denying tht... for people yearning for children and not having them... perhaps... they have a stronger bond.... because of the turmoils they face together... and trust me i know tht ... and there may be some.... perhaps like BPC... i dont know... who are at this certain point where being with their soulmate is enough for them...
But to tell you the truth... and you may not agree with me.. but thts ok.. everyone has a right to their opinions.. but if you're really talking abt the circle of life... then my friends... it is just not complete... and here i am not saying be like a caveman... have a woman by ur side... make babies... and provide for them... hehe thts a very raw and basic idea...
Look and study any faith... Islam... christianity... Judiasim... look at the prophets... With the exception of (perhaps) Jesus Christ and even that has now become questionable with the Da Vinci Code :) ... everyone had children... it was not as if... society forced them into it... or whtever...
it is wht it is.... a cricle of life... those who dont have it... may have their reasons... but you cant just go being in denial about it...
scientifically speaking... procreation is an instinct... Had he wanted it to be optional... He wouldnt have made it an Instinct
and about comparing having children with blissful evenings with your soulmate vacationing somewhere exotic... or sharing ideas and interests... you cant just compare material things to something so spiritual... yes all those things are indeed magical.... but one is matter and the other is spirit... can you really compare talking about feraris ... with creating a life together... ?
The point wasn't really about having children or not having them...the point was about people who are too nosy to mind their own business...
bakpakchik didnt say she's against having kids and all...she just says she doesnt want them at the moment!
It's her life...let her be!!
:)
yeah... i knw wht she said.... my comments were directed more towards other comments (all the ravings that eventually ensued) and not entirely on the blog... cause we all agree nosy ppl are definitely a pain
@Zak
Buddy whatever tickles your fancy but…
1. I am taking about marriage and usually marriage is between male and female. So the answer is yes!
2. Two if a couple do not have a baby out of choice how has their relationship progresses.
I am awake the question is are your eyes open?
-A-
PS: I like women so don think anything of my use of the word “buddy”
I think you misunderstood in no way am I condoning nosy people asking you about your relationship. Its your reasoning that I question.
If you just say I do not want to have kids because I do not want to, I wouldn’t even be typing this message.
Children are not saviors of a marriage but progression. Hence my statement “Children are the natural progression for a relationship” so if your marriage is in trouble do not have kids!
BPS Wrote: I agree with you that children "add a beautiful dimension to any relationship" but that beauty can be had in a number of other ways.
Ma’am, how do you know the beauty of children is the same as leisurely holidays and fast cars?
BPC Wrote: …ways of increasing the love and bond between us.
Please do share…
BPC Wrote: End Note: Children are optional, not compulsory.
Agreed
-A-
i can so totally relate to you. I am bombarded with these questions too and as a result I have started avoiding people. Not a solution but atleast i get to avoid the unwanted enquiries.
Maybe not everyone means to be nosy and ask just by-the-way but hearing the same questions again and again and again really pisses me off. A long as we were not trying I felt plain angry that why are people so nosy but now that we have been trying and not getting anywhere, these inquiries make me angry as well as very very hurt.
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