Monica

Right now, I really really badly want to slap the shit out of someone.

And that someone is me.

I am at the end of my tether and just waiting for the bounceback. Or am I really? Maybe I am just blowing it out of proportion and none of it really is that big a deal. Or MAYBE the big deal is that it isn't such a big deal to me.

I am purposefully being vague because this blog is public and I know that personal thoughts belong in a diary, but I have put so much into this blog already that I want it to be my only source for reflecting back on myself ... so sue me.

It's pretty tough when you open yourself up for criticism and no matter how much you grit your teeth and listen because you genuinely want to work towards eliminating your flaws, some if it can be pretty bad.

When did I become this person that these people are telling me I am? When did I become this person that does these things on auto-pilot? When did I become so involved in changing myself (based on previous feedback) into something else that I totally lost sight of the fact that I had reached the goalpost and FLEW right past it? Stop, BPC, stop, turn around. LOOK AROUND.

I read somewhere today that "Character is what you do when no one is looking".

Really?

If so, then think about what you've been doing when no one's been looking. Surely, they are not things you would do otherwise.

But isn't that the point of 'privacy ... that you can be yourself. Or is no one allowed to be themselves in their own time anymore without being 'guilted' into introspection? IMHO intropsection is over-rated. Why can't we just BE without having to think too deep and too hard about it? Why can't some things just be things that you do ... if they don't harm anyone, then why do you need to be held accountable? Why do you need to hold yourself accountable for what is not changing/hurting/ruining anything for anyone else?

Why is there all this bloody social programming that bloody forces you to THINK so much.

Just shut up. Be quiet. Do. Be. Don't THINK.

I do that sometimes. I 'do and I 'be', but I have yet to master the 'don't think' part.

I know where this is all coming from. I have all the pieces infront of me, but the pieces don't add up. And that's what is frustrating. Growing up in a world of twoplustwoequalsfour, I can see the two twos and I know that's where the four comes from, but it'd bloody doing my head in as to why and how the four came along long before the two twos did.

Maybe it's some weird cosmic joke constructed to confuse me. Maybe I'm just PMSing.

But I see the two twos. And I am Monica. Boy, am I Monica right now. Arfiman will understand this bit precisely if he is reading ... because he is the one who pointed it out. Jokingly maybe, but he was right.

No one can have it all. But we all find our ways to get the bits we really need.

Is this going to make me feel better? Maybe.

Okay, so it's not been futile after all ... this long-winded post ... no, not when I realize that we all find our ways to get the bits we really need. And not when I realize that none of us can ever have it all.